I'm Going to England!!

 I have some exciting news to share! As many of you know I graduated from the Mercy Multiplied(formerly Mercy Ministries) home in Nashville in 2006 when I was 17. Here I am a decade later with an amazing opportunity to give back into the program that started the process of transformation in my life. 

 I am officially going to England in May!! I am headed to Mercy in Bradford,UK from 

May 7th-19th. I am going with a team of other graduates and we will be in the Mercy UK home for a week with our leader, Sarah Dixon from Arise Arts International. She is not only a graduate of Mercy, but the founder of this incredible ministry, Arise. To find out more about this organization please go to http://ariseartsinternational.com. They are doing awesome work all over the world through creative art camps. As it says on the website, ''Arise Arts International is passionate about the creative arts and incorporating them into existing programs that work with women and children. We know firsthand the powerful impact the creative arts have in facilitating healing in the brain from the impact of trauma. Arise Arts mobilizes short-term missions teams to partner with existing organizations by bringing intensive art camps and training opportunities for staff.'' 

 In January I had the privilege of helping with a condensed version of a camp at the Mercy home here in Nashville. http://ariseartsinternational.com/blog/mercy-multiplied-through-art/ It was such a blessing to be a part of, and I am so excited to get the chance to participate in a full week of art camp in the UK. The most exciting part for me is the opportunity it gives me to give back. When I was at Mercy, it meant so much to me when speakers, especially graduates, came in and shared hope and encouragement to all of us in the middle of our healing process. I can't think of a better way to express my gratitude to Jesus and the staff and people along my journey, than to reach my hand back to others and share with them the hope and freedom that is there for them. I would not be where I am today without the knowledge I received at Mercy...that Jesus loves me unconditionally, He has a plan and a purpose for me, and He gives me grace every single day to walk in freedom and joy.


 So I'm reaching out to you first of all, to ask for your prayers for myself and the team on this trip. Please pray that we travel safely, and we are open and available for Jesus to use us at Mercy and throughout the trip to share His love. I am also going to ask that if you feel led to help fund my trip, I would be so grateful.   With airfare, food and lodging for the week of the camp, total costs come to around $1,800. We have already booked the flights through Arise so that is the most urgent cost I'm asking for help with. I need to turn in $650 by February 29th and the remaining $650 by March 10th. Truly, anything you can give will help. If you would like your donation to be tax deductible you can use the following link and select my name from the drop down menu on the left. http://actinternational.org/ministry.aspx?min_id=369. Or you can send money directly to me via Paypal and select "send money to friends or family" to avoid fees. My email address with Paypal is krystal.massage@gmail.com

Thank you all for taking the time to read this, to pray, and if you feel led, to give toward this trip. I am so grateful and excited for this opportunity and I can't wait to tell you all about it when I return!

Love, 
Krystal

Change Your World

 Today I sang at the memorial service for a woman I'd never met. But it touched something deep inside me. This girl turned 30 two weeks ago and passed away 10 days after from Ovarian cancer. Just hearing her age would make anyone think, "Her life was just getting started, she was way too young to go." And she was. But what I saw today was a life that was lived to the fullest. A girl who had more true friends than I could count, and a family that adored her. There is no telling how many lives she changed and impacted in her short 30 years here on earth. She worked with autistic children and people with drug addictions, and had a smile for every person she met. Every person that spoke about her today could have gone on and on about all the things that were special about her and the joy she brought to their lives.
 Days like today really make you think and examine your own life. I wonder...would 300 people show up at my memorial service? Would there be enough of my life worth making a 25 minute tribute video for? I really don't know, and I honestly kind of doubt it. I don't say that out of pity. I say that because today motivated and inspired me. It reminded me that we aren't promised tomorrow. I don't know if I will live to be 30 or 90. But whichever it is I hope a crowd shows up to celebrate my life. Because I hope I show love to a crowd. I hope I show love to people I don't know. I hope I make a thousand people's day a little brighter by giving them a smile. I hope I notice the ones who are always overlooked and let them know that they are seen. I hope I give more than I take. I hope I respond to anger with kindness. I hope I look past the outside to be able to see people's hearts. I want to forgive quickly, judge less, and reach out more. I want to laugh louder, smile wider, hug harder, and love better. I want to live life fearlessly and with a heart wide open.
 You know, maybe it won't be a crowd of 300. Maybe that's not what I'm here for. But I do know without a doubt I'm here for so much more than just myself. So whoever I cross paths with...for a moment, for a year, or for a lifetime...I hope I leave them a little lighter, a little happier, a little more loved. I still find myself wondering, "What in the world am I here on this earth for?" And I think I get too caught up in feeling like it has to be some big thing to really count. But I think it's often all the little things put together that really make the biggest difference. A smile for a stranger that looks sad really can make their day. A hug when words won't suffice can heal hearts. Being a friend who sits and truly listens for as long as it takes is priceless. I don't believe I can change the world. But I can change my world and I can love genuinely every person I come into contact with. I can tell my husband and my family how much they mean to me every single day. I can be a better wife, a better sister, daughter and friend. I can be grateful for every moment and make the most of every day.
 Jessica Phillips...we never met in person but today I saw the legacy you left and I'll never forget it. Thank you for living and loving like we all should.

Smoke signals and Super hero capes

It looks like I've decided to make this a bi annual blog. I don't mean to and I hope to change that. But I also don't want to write just to write. Usually I write when something hits me so hard I can't let it go until I get it all out in words. This is another one of those times. I have half a house to unpack from moving, but it can wait until I finish this because I need to write it and hopefully someone that needs to read it today does. If it is just for me that is ok too. :)

Someone recently had the courage to share with me that they are afraid of not looking sick enough for people to know that they are. That statement has been rolling through my brain ever since. For some of you it will make you shake your head in confusion. But it struck a chord in my heart because I realized I have that same fear. And I'd be willing to bet that anyone who has struggled with an addiction has had that same fear, wether they've realized it or not. So I started asking myself why? Why do we have the need to be visibly seen as sick and hurting? And I think that fear is actually a cover up of the real fear. The real fear behind that is we are afraid of not being seen at all. We are afraid of being forgotten. Because maybe we didn't know we even mattered until we got sick. All of a sudden people saw us and it felt like the first time. All of a sudden they began asking how we were doing because they knew it wasn't good, not just asking because that's what you're supposed to do. All of a sudden they were worried and told us they were praying and asked how they could help. All of a sudden they asked what was wrong and what was really going on. All of a sudden it seemed like they really cared. Before then maybe we were lost in the crowd. Just another number.

For me..I'm number 6 in a line of 11 siblings. That number felt like the extent of my identity. I was number 6 of the Miller kids, number 4 of the Miller girls, or Allen & Barbara's daughter. Those are the three things I felt known by. My thoughts, my feelings, the things I was passionate about, I kept to myself. It didn't feel like they mattered or that they would be heard. I even started to forget them myself after a while. Numbers don't have voices so I stopped using mine....I really never learned to use it in the first place. And then I got sick. I lost 30 pounds and I started cutting, and all of a sudden someone noticed me...not just number 6. My sickness became my voice.

Anyone with an addiction begins to have there identity wrapped up in that addiction. We never learned to use our voice to ask for what we needed so we asked with our bodies wasting away, and the circles under our eyes. and the bright scars on our arms and legs. Those became our cries for help, for love, for security. Our sickness became our smoke signals and our emergency flares. And the fear of what would happen if we stopped sending those will keep you sick for a long time.

Let me be clear...we didn't start this in an effort to receive attention. Many times it starts as an effort to just disappear, to fade away into nothing because we don't know how to control the chaos inside. But then we finally feel visible for the first time in our lives. We realized our need, and became terrified of losing it. We became a person, we were seen, we mattered...even if it was just because we were sick. Or that is where we began to believe that lie...that we only matter when we are sick. That if we ever "got better" people would go away. If people can't see that we are sick and hurting, they will think we are fine. They'll stop asking and then we might die alone.

 Because even if we are "healthy" and "better" we will still need love and attention and security.  We will still need to know that we exist to someone else and they would notice if we were gone. Life will always be hard, addiction or not. It is often brutal and exhausting and frustrating. We will still get lonely and sad, and the chaos inside still comes back sometimes. Just because we may have learned to cope with it in healthier ways doesn't mean we don't need people anymore. Just because we gained the weight or stopped the drugs and alcohol, or the cuts on our arms have faded to scars doesn't mean we are always fine.

 That is why we have to find our REAL voice. And we have to stop being ashamed of our need. We were created to need...and so was everyone else on the planet. Everyone needs someone, but we've been taught to "be strong" and "toughen up". "Figure it out for yourself." "Put your big girl panties on." "Pull yourself up by your boot straps"

 How much healthier would we be if instead we began to ask for help? If we didn't feel too ashamed to say "I'm really not ok today" or "I could really use a hug today" or "things actually kind of suck right now". And maybe, just maybe, if we do that we will realize that the people around us are not always fine either. Maybe if we start to use our real voice it will give them the courage to use theirs too. Addiction is not the only superhero cape people wear. The people around you that seem to "have it all together"(what IS that by the way?!) and have never struggled with addiction...I will bet you my last penny they are not always "fine". We all know what that stands for right? Yup...F$&#ed up, Insecure, Neurotic, and Emotional. So why can't we SAY that if that is what we really feel? Being real with someone gives them the open door to be real with you, and when that happens it is one of the most healing experiences you can have. Because then you realize that not only do you have a voice, you have ears and a heart that someone else needs to know are open and listening and caring.

Glennon Doyle Melton (if you haven't heard of her or read her blog do yourself a favor and look her up...she's absolutely amazing) describes addiction as a superhero cape that we use to hide our real selves and what is really going on. I believe it is both...a superhero cape and a smoke signal. And I believe we have to let go of both before we can truly be healthy. We have to realize we don't need to be a superhero and we have an actual voice we can use to say, "I need help, I'm not fine" 

I know without a doubt the only thing that has ever helped me break a cycle of struggle or start making healthy choices is when I actually TALKED to someone and told them what was really going on. Addiction and struggle thrive on silence. The more silent you are the more power they have. Your secrets will destroy you. Call me morbid but that super hero cape will become your shroud if you never take it off.

I could go on and on and on. I am preaching to the choir here and I have a lot to learn so this sermon could go on forever. But I'll try to save that for my next blog post in six months. :) 

The last thing I want to say to anyone who is struggling, and identifies at all with the fear of not being sick is this. YOU MATTER NO MATTER WHAT. You are not an accident and you were not created to be silent and unseen. You didn't suddenly become important because you got sick and people saw and finally told you they didn't want you to die. I'm so sorry if it felt that way and if you weren't shown value for who you were. You have a voice and you CAN use it and the right people will listen. It's OK to not be ok all the time and it's also ok to be ok...you won't disappear. But YOU have to know that you matter even if no one else tells you. You are here for a reason. So put down your superhero cape and your smoke signals and use your REAL voice. <3

Hindsight is 20/20

 I didn't struggle to write this blog. The words seemed to pour out of me. And if you look at the 5 other posts on this blog there are two others on the same subject matter. So this may seem somewhat repetitious, but in my experience there have been truths I needed to hear dozens of times before they really sank in. 

 I do, however, struggle with sharing this post. I'm terrified actually. Partly because I am once again exposing a very raw and ugly side of my life that I very much like to keep hidden. I prefer the "got my ducks in a row" look. But as I've said before and as I consistently discover from day to day- I'm not perfect. Not even close. But I don't know anyone besides Jesus that can legitimately claim that status.

 I also struggle with sharing this because a part of me wonders, "What's the point?" The people I so desperately want it to reach may simply get angry and shut it out and the other half of people will probably dismiss it in confusion or judgement. And how many people will it actually reach anyway? I have no pretense of being an eloquent or even decent writer, and I often struggle to get my point across. But like I said, these words poured out of me because they've been pounding in my brain for so long. When I look around and see so many girls and women in the middle of or on the verge of this struggle I want to scream this warning in their face. 24 million people(including men and children) in the United States alone are currently struggling with this disorder. 3 out of 7 of my sisters alone! I can't even describe how that rips my heart apart. So excuse me while I take a moment to be real, as politely as possible. And please know it is only because I care and it kills me to see you struggle. If this reaches even one person who needed to hear it for whatever reason, it is worth it. And I will continue to write and talk about this for the rest of my life because I refuse to let my 12 years of struggle go to waste.

 Exactly 10 years ago today I walked into a treatment center for the first time. I had just turned 15 and had been diagnosed and struggling with depression, anorexia, and self-harm for nearly two years. I was sick, exhausted, extremely underweight, and absolutely hated myself. But I met women there that had been struggling for so much longer and part of me felt ashamed that I was getting help so soon. I told myself I really hadn't gotten "that bad" yet. That was the beginning of a very long and painful journey for me. I spiralled up and down the roller coaster of Anorexia, Bulimia and the other issues for many years after that. To this day, I have to wake up and fight. So if I could write a letter to my 15 yr old self and any other person who may be at the beginning of this fight- this is what I would say:

GET HELP NOW

You will lose so much more than weight

You lose yourself - if you start at 12 or 13 (or earlier) which is common, you will lose those formative years of figuring out who you are and who you want to be because you are so focused on the ED. I still struggle with the questions, "Who are you?" and "What are your hobbies or what do you like to do?" because I never took the time to figure that out. I was in treatment when I should have been filling out applications for college and picking a major and discovering my passions in life. At 25, I'm just barely beginning to do that. 

You lose your friends- When you leave for treatment it takes a very special friend to stay in touch with you throughout that time. And if you are struggling and not getting help, you don't make a very good friend to anyone. When you begin to get healthy it can still be a struggle to connect because you never learned how. I have to force myself to connect with people and try to maintain friendships because I am insecure and uncomfortable in that area.

You lose real relationships with family- even when you are there, you aren't really there and when you leave for treatment the younger ones will feel abandoned and it takes lots of work to rebuild those relationships. I have a very large family which makes it hard enough to stay connected, but I feel like I have to work twice as hard because I lost so much time with them.

You lose your mind- you can't think straight, or really about anything but food and weight. You become very robotic and restricted in everything that you do because you are so focused on only one thing.

You lose your memory- you can't remember how you got home some days, much less what you did the day before or are supposed to do tomorrow. That doesn't just repair itself either. I feel like I am much more forgetful and absentminded than I should be.

You lose your emotions except for anger, self-hatred, confusion, sadness, and deep dark depression- you are on autopilot and most of the time just numb inside.

You lose the ability to laugh- you won't see the sun even when it's shining. Life is not amusing or joyful anymore. It is a dark, grey place. You can fake a pretty good laugh, but true moments of joy are very few and far between.

You lose the ability to cry- your body and mind won't even have the energy to cry. Again, you go numb.

You lose the ability to sleep- your body won't let you rest because it is not being fed. Or you will be too cold to sleep. You will be cold ALL the time. Your body cannot warm itself up and it cannot rest. Until you get to the point of falling asleep all the time because you are past the point of exhaustion.

You lose your compassion- your focus on food and weight doesn't let you see beyond yourself and the hamster wheel of obsession you are spinning on.

You lose your gratitude-the ED tells you that you're a victim and you begin to look at the world as if it owes you something. You see everything that's hard and that you don't have, but you lose sight of what you have to be thankful for.

You lose your integrity- you will do things you never thought you could possibly do to enable and continue in the ED. Including but not limited to lying, stealing, sneaking out, breaking the law, and betraying trust.

You lose your honesty- you will lie to anyone and everyone to protect the ED and hide ED behaviors. 

You lose your dignity- you will go to extremes to hide food or the fact that you're not eating. If you struggle with Bulimia it's a whole other hell of uncontrolled bingeing and purging.

You lose your dreams- you no longer have dreams besides the ones about food and being "skinny enough"

You lose your ability to think about anything besides food, the number on the scale and the number in the back of your jeans

You lose the joy of any holiday- most holidays involve food and therefore they become the most feared and hated days of the year. When the family is enjoying time together you are obsessing about mealtime and how to get away with not eating or getting rid of the food if you have to eat. 

You lose your vision- you can't see anything but food and the scale. Physically your eyesight will literally get worse because you are malnourished.

You lose your hair- it can come out in handfuls at times

You lose your teeth- they will break, get yellow and be full of cavities. I am currently missing a molar that literally broke in half.

You lose the strength in your bones- they will break easier, and won't hold you up as well. Go long enough and you will develop premature osteoporosis. I broke my ankle this summer just in regular exercising, and the doctor said it was an unusual stress fracture for someone my age. I didn't tell him the probable cause was years of abusing my body.


You might lose your ability to have children.


Here's what you gain...

An ever increasing mountain of self-hatred and depression that grows with every pound you lose.

A completely distorted body image- no matter how much weight you lose you will still see "fat" and honestly believe that you need to keep losing. My goal at 15 was to get into a pair of double zero jeans. They were hanging off of me when I went into treatment and I still thought I was fat.

The ability to lie like a pro. You will lie until you don't even know what the truth is anymore.

You will deal with a body that you've aged beyond it's years, even after you get healthy.

You will have health problems ranging from heart palpitations,dehydration, vitamin deficiency, major digestive issues, acid reflux, broken bones,dental issues, organ failure, etc. And eventually...you will die.

Your body will begin to shut down.

You are not invincible.
  
Eating disorders have the highest mortality rate of any mental disorder.

The ED will NEVER be satisfied and will not give up until it kills you. You will never get to a place where you can "cope" with it. If you are not actively seeking help and healing, you are dying. Physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually it will tear you down until there is nothing left.

I say all this to hopefully open your eyes, or maybe get your attention just a little bit. I know you've probably gotten a lot of this list from a doctor or therapist already, but take it from someone who has been there (let me change that to "went there" because I refuse to stay any longer) for 10 years. IT IS NOT WORTH IT. Unless you are determined to take the slow road of suicide then this is a sure way to get there. But if you have even the slightest whisper of a voice inside you that says, "I want to live". LISTEN to that voice and GET HELP! If you still eat somewhat normally but are thinking about dieting because you think you need to lose weight...be VERY careful. It is so easy for this to turn into an obsession in the image focused culture we live in. This is a warning to every girl and woman out there because precious few of you really have a healthy body image. We have to get to a place where we view food as what it was intended for- fuel for our bodies and the lives we should be out there living. And it's time we view our bodies as the gift and miracle they are, whatever shape or size they may be in at the moment. There is nothing wrong with being healthy and exercising... I try to do it every day. But do it to take care of yourself- not to punish yourself. I'm still fighting to get to that point. But the key is, I'm fighting.

One last note to those stuck in the middle of this horrible disorder. This goes so much deeper than food or the fear of it. This goes hand in hand with depression and self-hatred. It is often a result of some kind of abuse, neglect or trauma. You may think your life is worthless and not worth fighting for. But guess what. If you were not supposed to be here - you wouldn't be. And yet here you are, inhabiting a very specific place on this earth and I will not believe for a second there is not a reason for your existence. And it is most definitely NOT to live your sliver of time here on earth in misery, depression and obsession over something as MEANINGLESS as the size of your waist or your butt. YOUR LIFE IS TOO SHORT AND TOO VALUABLE!!! You will blink and ten years have passed just like that! Will you spend those ten years as miserably as I did or will you please hear me and DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT! One day, one meal, one minute, one choice at a time. YOU are the only one who can make a difference for yourself. All the counseling  treatment and psychotherapy in the world will not help you if you refuse to fight for yourself. There is healing and freedom readily available to you. The lies you are believing about God, yourself, and food will destroy you. The lie that being skinny will make you happy and solve your problems....how's that working out for you? Guess what, it never will. Please get help. You cannot do this alone. 

Walking in freedom from an eating disorder is not even close to easy. 

But it is possible. 

And it is SO worth it.

Please trust me- maybe I went through 10 years of hell to save you from it.

The simple things

 It's the end of this first day of a brand new year. And I suddenly realized...hey, I think I have a blog on the internet somewhere....maybe I should actually use it! :) So here goes nothing. Actually I wanted to write down some thoughts because this New Year feels different, and I want to remember it. It seems with each passing year I lose a few more brain cells in the memory department so I try to record the important things.

 I'm more hopeful for this next year than I think I have ever been. I feel like I'm finally beginning to grow up and see real change in myself. Life is not perfect, but I'm more at peace than I've ever been. Last year a lot of BIG things happened. I got married, went on an amazing honeymoon, changed jobs, changed my name, moved to a new house, cut my hair off...you get the point. :) I don't have any major plans for this next year(yet), but I'm starting to appreciate the amazing beauty in the simple things. Like being married and living with my sweet husband. The moment when I'm cooking dinner as he plays guitar and sings in the living room. The mornings we get to sit down for 5 minutes and eat breakfast before rushing out the door. Putting up our first Christmas tree. Dissolving into laughter at my klutziness or his made up words (he has his own dictionary). Laughing until we cry watching stupid youtube videos. Falling into bed too exhausted to talk, but grabbing his hand and smiling because he's there. These things fill my heart to the point I think it can't stretch any more. Simple moments that at one point in my life I thought I'd never have. And we are just at the beginning. All that on top of the wonderful moments I've had with friends and family. I think God is showing me that life isn't about the big things, or things at all actually. It's about the people around you, the time you have, and the love you feel. It's about memories, traditions, and simple every day life. It's the good and the bad, the hard and the easy. And it's all about how you look at it. That is truly the key. It is so easy to get insanely busy and to miss so much. We get so focused on the big picture that we forget what is here and now. We rush everywhere, spend too much time in front of screens, stay too stressed, and never have enough time. So my goal for this year is to change my focus. To slow down, stop sweating the small stuff, stop filling every minute of every day with something I have to do. I want to become more thankful, more compassionate, more thoughtful of others. To pray more, believe more, trust more, and see more. These are desires I want to develop as a lifestyle, not just for this year. It's so easy to say and then move on and forget. So we're starting a new tradition this year. We're taking this vase:

and turning it into our "All Things Good" holder. Over the next year Skyler and I are going to write down things we are thankful for, answered prayers, special memories, and any other good thing we want to remember. Next NYE we will go through it to remember all the great things that happened. Looking back on my life right now I could fill so many vases. I'm excited to actually have things written down and pray that it will change our focus and help us live our lives differently. 

 For those of you that took the time to read to the end...I hope it encouraged you in some way and didn't bore you to tears. :) I'll end this short book with a verse that gives me so much hope.

 "Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland" Isaiah 43:18-19

HAPPY 2014!

Finding My Voice

 This post is a little out of the blue, but it's something that is weighing so heavy on my heart tonight I had to get it out somehow.

 For the most part I consider myself a fairly happy, loving person without alot of bitterness or bad feelings towards anyone or anything. But if there is anything I HATE in this world it is the power an eating disorder (any addiction really but this particular one has been my demon) can have when it takes hold. It can make the most beautiful woman look in the mirror and see herself as ugly and unworthy. It can make a sane person act insane and will turn an honest, moral person into an ashamed, empty shell of a human being who hides in the dark and loses them self in a giant lie.

 I've been pretty quiet on this issue for a long time. Partly because of my own struggle and the shame that comes with it even when you break free. I tend to present myself as very "put together" and it's never fun to admit that for many years behind closed doors I was a complete wreck. I'm a perfectionist and to let people in on the fact that I am absolutely anything but perfect is quite humbling. But at the same time it is liberating because I can be honest and say that without the grace of God I would still be that complete wreck. On my best days I am far from perfect and so very human. But the beauty of it is that we all are, and I think if we start to admit that we might just be able to help each other out a little bit more. I am no better and no worse than the person next to me, and neither are you.

 There is also a huge sense of inadequacy that I feel. This is such a huge issue in the world today. With statistics like 1 in 4 girls, and 24 million people just in America that have eating disorders, it is so daunting to even think of being able to make a difference. But I truly believe if my story can help even one person, it is worth it and I want to share it. I'm not sure how or where to start. Maybe I will write a book some day, or maybe I will start regularly blogging about it. I just know I can't stand by and continue to watch so many beautiful people destroy themselves by letting an eating disorder consume them. If I could scream it from the rooftops I would.... IT IS NOT WORTH IT!!!! Ten years of my life were so wasted, so marred, and so utterly miserable due to this lie. For so many years I lived in a black hole of depression, consumed with shame and anger and self hatred. I'm only 23, but I feel like I have lived twice that. I wonder sometimes where I would be today if I hadn't let the lies overtake me. I can't live with regret or bitterness towards myself because that will only waste more time, but I do think of those years and think of so many other ways I could have spent my time.

That is why I'm determined to live the rest of my life to the fullest. I have been SO incredibly blessed it just blows my mind. I never in my wildest dreams imagined I could be where I am today. I have an AMAZING husband, I have two good jobs, I have a wonderful family (my own that have not disowned me and Skyler's who have embraced me fully). I have my health, I am able to think and laugh and live and breathe like never before. And I have finally come to the place where I've accepted and know deep down that God loves me and gives me grace to live each day as free as I choose to be. I will never call an eating disorder a disease because as much as it doesn't feel like it...it is a CHOICE. It is a choice to stay in it and believe it, and it is a choice to walk away and believe the TRUTH. It doesn't feel like it, everything in my mind and heart said I could never break free....but looking back now I know without a doubt that it is possible. I know because I still have to make the choice, every single day. I still have to fight the lie and walk away from the mirror and choose to not live out of fear. Some days I still fail. Some days I don't like what I see and I let it affect my entire attitude and thought process. Some days I choose to see the darkness rather than the sunshine. But these days I know how to get back up and get out of that hole. And I want to let other people know that they can too. I'm not the only one. There are many people in bondage, but there are also many people who have broken free.

 If you are hopeless...believe me I've been there too. If you are tired...be tired enough to make a change. It is hard, it is terrifying, it is painful...but breaking free is nothing compared to the pain of staying stuck. If you are struggling...don't let it go on for 10 years. Take it from someone who knows. Life is too precious, too beautiful, too amazing to waste. You have more worth and value and beauty and strength inside you than you will ever grasp if you continue to believe the lies.  Reach out for help and stop trying to do it alone. You will be amazed by the people around you and how much they care if you just let them in.

 I'm not sure how to end this because I feel like I could go on for days. And I might in the future. It's been hitting so close to home lately and I just can't stay silent and hide it anymore. I gave up my voice for many years and I'd like to get it back and use it to make a difference if I can. This goes out to anyone who is in the middle of the struggle or knows someone who is. Just know that I care from the depths of my heart, and would do absolutely anything to help if I can.

 If freedom is possible for me, it is most definitely possible for you too.

~Krystal

I SEE THE SUNSHINE!

 If you've known me for any length of time you have probably discovered that I like to remember dates of significant events or moments in my life. (Now I say that but don't ask me to rattle off all of my family members birthdays at top speed. I do remember them and they are significant events in my life, but it may take me a few minutes and I may switch a few names and dates. But...I have 11 siblings, 11 nieces and nephews, two parents, and four in-laws so give me a break.) Anyway...some of the events that stand out in my mind are: June 7th, 2005: The day I walked through the doors of Mercy Ministries. Sept. 6th, 2006: The day I got my GED, Sept. 7th, 2006: The day I graduated from Mercy Ministries, Nov. 1st, 2008: The day Gran died, Jan. 23rd, 2009: The day I graduated from Massage Therapy School. June 7th, 2010: My first date with Skyler :)

 

 But the day I'm thinking about today is...today...four years ago(well technically it will be yesterday by the time I post this.) September 12th, 2007: The day I moved back to Nashville. The day I felt hope for a new life. The day I felt like I had come home. The first day in a long, hard, crazy, amazing, painful, confusing, exciting, exhausting, but divine journey. I look back over my life and especially these last four years and I am overwhelmed. Overwhelmed by God's grace, His mercy, and His unrelenting, unconditional love for me. He has protected me and brought me out of so much darkness. Four years ago (see picture to the right, my 18th birthday, a month before moving) I was at a place in my life that I literally couldn't even see the sun shining because my mind and my world were so black, so hopeless. All I could see or feel was my pain, my anger, and my self-hatred. I was lost in a cycle of addiction, shame, and guilt. I could hardly stand to look in a mirror. I hated hearing anything even close to a compliment or positive thing about myself. I was convinced that God hated me and that no one would love me if they really knew me. I was on the verge of giving up completely.

 But there has always been a tiny seed of hope deep inside me that refused to give up. Somehow I knew things could be different. I never imagined how big that difference would be. Four years later:

I have hope. Actually I have more than hope. I know without a doubt my life will never be the same, that I will never be the same, and I will never be in that place of darkness again. God has put some of the most amazing people in my life who have loved me unconditionally and never stopped believing in me or pushing me to believe in myself. One of those people is Shalaunda. The woman I came to live with and the most incredible woman I've ever known. She has been my warrior, my mentor, my kicker in the ass when I needed it, my friend, my second mother. I thank God every day for her. Then there is Skyler. My best friend and the man of my dreams. The man I love more than I ever thought possible, who loves me more than I ever dared to hope for. Four years ago I would have laughed if you had told me I would be with this man one day. He knows how to love me exactly how I need it. He is gentle, he is kind, he is stunningly honest and real. He doesn't even see my scars or my past. He loves all of me exactly the way that I am. His love has healed me in deeper ways than I think he will ever know. I could go on for days (really I could!). I look at him and can't even speak sometimes because I know God gave him to me to give me a picture of what His love for me is like. I will never truly comprehend it. I've spent so much of my life trying to be perfect, trying to be good enough, trying to feel like I deserved love. And finally I've come to the place that I know I never will. But I am so at peace in learning how to just accept the fact that I AM LOVED. There is no better feeling in the world. There are so many more people who love me and support me and have surrounded me. I wish there was a way to really express how thankful I am to each and every one of them.

 It is almost three in the morning and I have to stop myself before I write a novel! But I just felt I had to share this because God is SO good!! I look at these pictures and am speechless. Yes, I definitely look different on the outside, but I wish there was a way to describe the difference I feel on the inside! I am still nowhere near perfect and I never will be. I have so much to learn, so far to grow. But I don't ever want to forget where God has brought me from. I want to wake up every day thanking Him that I'm alive, that I am here, that I am loved. And I want other people to know that they are too. I have such a heart for girls that are in that dark place that I was four years ago. My heart breaks for them. I want them to know that there is a light at the end of that tunnel. That freedom is possible. That they can make right choices, they can be happy, they can fall in love, they can really live, that they deserve to be loved! So if you happen across this blog and you've ever felt even an inkling of the darkness I'm talking about I pray that you see in these pictures and through my words that GOD CAN DO MIRACLES!!! And if He can do it for me...believe me, He is just waiting to do it for you too. He died to set us free and to give us life!! I'm so thankful that I am no longer living like a dead person. I CAN SEE THE SUNSHINE!

"He brought them out of darkness and the shadow of death, And broke their chains in pieces."

Psalms 107:14