This post is a little out of the blue, but it's something that is weighing so heavy on my heart tonight I had to get it out somehow.
For the most part I consider myself a fairly happy, loving person without alot of bitterness or bad feelings towards anyone or anything. But if there is anything I HATE in this world it is the power an eating disorder (any addiction really but this particular one has been my demon) can have when it takes hold. It can make the most beautiful woman look in the mirror and see herself as ugly and unworthy. It can make a sane person act insane and will turn an honest, moral person into an ashamed, empty shell of a human being who hides in the dark and loses them self in a giant lie.
I've been pretty quiet on this issue for a long time. Partly because of my own struggle and the shame that comes with it even when you break free. I tend to present myself as very "put together" and it's never fun to admit that for many years behind closed doors I was a complete wreck. I'm a perfectionist and to let people in on the fact that I am absolutely anything but perfect is quite humbling. But at the same time it is liberating because I can be honest and say that without the grace of God I would still be that complete wreck. On my best days I am far from perfect and so very human. But the beauty of it is that we all are, and I think if we start to admit that we might just be able to help each other out a little bit more. I am no better and no worse than the person next to me, and neither are you.
There is also a huge sense of inadequacy that I feel. This is such a huge issue in the world today. With statistics like 1 in 4 girls, and 24 million people just in America that have eating disorders, it is so daunting to even think of being able to make a difference. But I truly believe if my story can help even one person, it is worth it and I want to share it. I'm not sure how or where to start. Maybe I will write a book some day, or maybe I will start regularly blogging about it. I just know I can't stand by and continue to watch so many beautiful people destroy themselves by letting an eating disorder consume them. If I could scream it from the rooftops I would.... IT IS NOT WORTH IT!!!! Ten years of my life were so wasted, so marred, and so utterly miserable due to this lie. For so many years I lived in a black hole of depression, consumed with shame and anger and self hatred. I'm only 23, but I feel like I have lived twice that. I wonder sometimes where I would be today if I hadn't let the lies overtake me. I can't live with regret or bitterness towards myself because that will only waste more time, but I do think of those years and think of so many other ways I could have spent my time.
That is why I'm determined to live the rest of my life to the fullest. I have been SO incredibly blessed it just blows my mind. I never in my wildest dreams imagined I could be where I am today. I have an AMAZING husband, I have two good jobs, I have a wonderful family (my own that have not disowned me and Skyler's who have embraced me fully). I have my health, I am able to think and laugh and live and breathe like never before. And I have finally come to the place where I've accepted and know deep down that God loves me and gives me grace to live each day as free as I choose to be. I will never call an eating disorder a disease because as much as it doesn't feel like it...it is a CHOICE. It is a choice to stay in it and believe it, and it is a choice to walk away and believe the TRUTH. It doesn't feel like it, everything in my mind and heart said I could never break free....but looking back now I know without a doubt that it is possible. I know because I still have to make the choice, every single day. I still have to fight the lie and walk away from the mirror and choose to not live out of fear. Some days I still fail. Some days I don't like what I see and I let it affect my entire attitude and thought process. Some days I choose to see the darkness rather than the sunshine. But these days I know how to get back up and get out of that hole. And I want to let other people know that they can too. I'm not the only one. There are many people in bondage, but there are also many people who have broken free.
If you are hopeless...believe me I've been there too. If you are tired...be tired enough to make a change. It is hard, it is terrifying, it is painful...but breaking free is nothing compared to the pain of staying stuck. If you are struggling...don't let it go on for 10 years. Take it from someone who knows. Life is too precious, too beautiful, too amazing to waste. You have more worth and value and beauty and strength inside you than you will ever grasp if you continue to believe the lies. Reach out for help and stop trying to do it alone. You will be amazed by the people around you and how much they care if you just let them in.
I'm not sure how to end this because I feel like I could go on for days. And I might in the future. It's been hitting so close to home lately and I just can't stay silent and hide it anymore. I gave up my voice for many years and I'd like to get it back and use it to make a difference if I can. This goes out to anyone who is in the middle of the struggle or knows someone who is. Just know that I care from the depths of my heart, and would do absolutely anything to help if I can.
If freedom is possible for me, it is most definitely possible for you too.
~Krystal
