But the day I'm thinking about today is...today...four years ago(well technically it will be yesterday by the time I post this.) September 12th, 2007: The day I moved back to Nashville. The day I felt hope for a new life. The day I felt like I had come home. The first day in a long, hard, crazy, amazing, painful, confusing, exciting, exhausting, but divine journey. I look back over my life and especially these last four years and I am overwhelmed. Overwhelmed by God's grace, His mercy, and His unrelenting, unconditional love for me. He has protected me and brought me out of so much darkness. Four years ago (see picture to the right, my 18th birthday, a month before moving) I was at a place in my life that I literally couldn't even see the sun shining because my mind and my world were so black, so hopeless. All I could see or feel was my pain, my anger, and my self-hatred. I was lost in a cycle of addiction, shame, and guilt. I could hardly stand to look in a mirror. I hated hearing anything even close to a compliment or positive thing about myself. I was convinced that God hated me and that no one would love me if they really knew me. I was on the verge of giving up completely.
But there has always been a tiny seed of hope deep inside me that refused to give up. Somehow I knew things could be different. I never imagined how big that difference would be. Four years later:
I have hope. Actually I have more than hope. I know without a doubt my life will never be the same, that I will never be the same, and I will never be in that place of darkness again. God has put some of the most amazing people in my life who have loved me unconditionally and never stopped believing in me or pushing me to believe in myself. One of those people is Shalaunda. The woman I came to live with and the most incredible woman I've ever known. She has been my warrior, my mentor, my kicker in the ass when I needed it, my friend, my second mother. I thank God every day for her. Then there is Skyler. My best friend and the man of my dreams. The man I love more than I ever thought possible, who loves me more than I ever dared to hope for. Four years ago I would have laughed if you had told me I would be with this man one day. He knows how to love me exactly how I need it. He is gentle, he is kind, he is stunningly honest and real. He doesn't even see my scars or my past. He loves all of me exactly the way that I am. His love has healed me in deeper ways than I think he will ever know. I could go on for days (really I could!). I look at him and can't even speak sometimes because I know God gave him to me to give me a picture of what His love for me is like. I will never truly comprehend it. I've spent so much of my life trying to be perfect, trying to be good enough, trying to feel like I deserved love. And finally I've come to the place that I know I never will. But I am so at peace in learning how to just accept the fact that I AM LOVED. There is no better feeling in the world. There are so many more people who love me and support me and have surrounded me. I wish there was a way to really express how thankful I am to each and every one of them.
It is almost three in the morning and I have to stop myself before I write a novel! But I just felt I had to share this because God is SO good!! I look at these pictures and am speechless. Yes, I definitely look different on the outside, but I wish there was a way to describe the difference I feel on the inside! I am still nowhere near perfect and I never will be. I have so much to learn, so far to grow. But I don't ever want to forget where God has brought me from. I want to wake up every day thanking Him that I'm alive, that I am here, that I am loved. And I want other people to know that they are too. I have such a heart for girls that are in that dark place that I was four years ago. My heart breaks for them. I want them to know that there is a light at the end of that tunnel. That freedom is possible. That they can make right choices, they can be happy, they can fall in love, they can really live, that they deserve to be loved! So if you happen across this blog and you've ever felt even an inkling of the darkness I'm talking about I pray that you see in these pictures and through my words that GOD CAN DO MIRACLES!!! And if He can do it for me...believe me, He is just waiting to do it for you too. He died to set us free and to give us life!! I'm so thankful that I am no longer living like a dead person. I CAN SEE THE SUNSHINE!
"He brought them out of darkness and the shadow of death, And broke their chains in pieces."
Psalms 107:14
