But the day I'm thinking about today is...today...four years ago(well technically it will be yesterday by the time I post this.) September 12th, 2007: The day I moved back to Nashville. The day I felt hope for a new life. The day I felt like I had come home. The first day in a long, hard, crazy, amazing, painful, confusing, exciting, exhausting, but divine journey. I look back over my life and especially these last four years and I am overwhelmed. Overwhelmed by God's grace, His mercy, and His unrelenting, unconditional love for me. He has protected me and brought me out of so much darkness. Four years ago (see picture to the right, my 18th birthday, a month before moving) I was at a place in my life that I literally couldn't even see the sun shining because my mind and my world were so black, so hopeless. All I could see or feel was my pain, my anger, and my self-hatred. I was lost in a cycle of addiction, shame, and guilt. I could hardly stand to look in a mirror. I hated hearing anything even close to a compliment or positive thing about myself. I was convinced that God hated me and that no one would love me if they really knew me. I was on the verge of giving up completely.
But there has always been a tiny seed of hope deep inside me that refused to give up. Somehow I knew things could be different. I never imagined how big that difference would be. Four years later:
I have hope. Actually I have more than hope. I know without a doubt my life will never be the same, that I will never be the same, and I will never be in that place of darkness again. God has put some of the most amazing people in my life who have loved me unconditionally and never stopped believing in me or pushing me to believe in myself. One of those people is Shalaunda. The woman I came to live with and the most incredible woman I've ever known. She has been my warrior, my mentor, my kicker in the ass when I needed it, my friend, my second mother. I thank God every day for her. Then there is Skyler. My best friend and the man of my dreams. The man I love more than I ever thought possible, who loves me more than I ever dared to hope for. Four years ago I would have laughed if you had told me I would be with this man one day. He knows how to love me exactly how I need it. He is gentle, he is kind, he is stunningly honest and real. He doesn't even see my scars or my past. He loves all of me exactly the way that I am. His love has healed me in deeper ways than I think he will ever know. I could go on for days (really I could!). I look at him and can't even speak sometimes because I know God gave him to me to give me a picture of what His love for me is like. I will never truly comprehend it. I've spent so much of my life trying to be perfect, trying to be good enough, trying to feel like I deserved love. And finally I've come to the place that I know I never will. But I am so at peace in learning how to just accept the fact that I AM LOVED. There is no better feeling in the world. There are so many more people who love me and support me and have surrounded me. I wish there was a way to really express how thankful I am to each and every one of them.
It is almost three in the morning and I have to stop myself before I write a novel! But I just felt I had to share this because God is SO good!! I look at these pictures and am speechless. Yes, I definitely look different on the outside, but I wish there was a way to describe the difference I feel on the inside! I am still nowhere near perfect and I never will be. I have so much to learn, so far to grow. But I don't ever want to forget where God has brought me from. I want to wake up every day thanking Him that I'm alive, that I am here, that I am loved. And I want other people to know that they are too. I have such a heart for girls that are in that dark place that I was four years ago. My heart breaks for them. I want them to know that there is a light at the end of that tunnel. That freedom is possible. That they can make right choices, they can be happy, they can fall in love, they can really live, that they deserve to be loved! So if you happen across this blog and you've ever felt even an inkling of the darkness I'm talking about I pray that you see in these pictures and through my words that GOD CAN DO MIRACLES!!! And if He can do it for me...believe me, He is just waiting to do it for you too. He died to set us free and to give us life!! I'm so thankful that I am no longer living like a dead person. I CAN SEE THE SUNSHINE!
"He brought them out of darkness and the shadow of death, And broke their chains in pieces."
Psalms 107:14
You have no idea how long I have waited to see the sunlight in your eyes because it was a reflection of what you see in you. I have never doubted that God would draw you to a place of seeing the sunshine for yourself. This road has been long and this journey has come with many challenges. I am proud of your strength and courage under fire. I am so very excited about the next season of your life and the journey yet to come. You are truly a living example of Isaiah 58:6 ...He came to set the captives free... I love you and believe in you. You have forever changed my life. There is nothing like watching someone fight and wrestle through to victory. There are times as you watch the battle, you can see the sweat and the tears and the weariness and just want to make it stop. Along this journey I have seen the sweat and tears and the epic battle that you have endured to be free. During this battle, you have even had people trying to keep you in the fight and weigh you down. Many times you wanted to just give up, but I KNOW that prayer changes things. We never see this while we are in the battle, but we often look back and realize that our fight is God's way of strengthening us for the journey yet to come. You will NEVER be the same again. The pain of yesterday is now just a scar to remind you of the journey. Remember the story of the woman of Canaan in Matthew 15 who wanted Jesus to heal her daughter. She never game up and neither have you. You truly are my sunshine and we have both grown and learned from this experience.
ReplyDeleteTo read this post is very consoling to our parental hearts. I know that we have only felt a fraction of the fear and pain that you have gone thru.. and tears come just to remember those first years. Now tears flow again to see how God's Word was written with you in mind and it has been true in your life. I am so thankful that you chose to fight,... that when you failed ... you failed forward, that you kept moving toward the sunlight. I am SO proud that you are my daughter and that I can say I am your mother I am honored that we could be witness to the metamorphosis of your life... from birth to now. You are one more of God's beautiful people. Love you, Mom
ReplyDeleteLove you Krystal,
ReplyDeleteI wanted more time to just sit and talk when you were here. I love that you have found so much peace, happiness and healing in TN but I am sad that we have to miss you. ~Diana