I SEE THE SUNSHINE!

 If you've known me for any length of time you have probably discovered that I like to remember dates of significant events or moments in my life. (Now I say that but don't ask me to rattle off all of my family members birthdays at top speed. I do remember them and they are significant events in my life, but it may take me a few minutes and I may switch a few names and dates. But...I have 11 siblings, 11 nieces and nephews, two parents, and four in-laws so give me a break.) Anyway...some of the events that stand out in my mind are: June 7th, 2005: The day I walked through the doors of Mercy Ministries. Sept. 6th, 2006: The day I got my GED, Sept. 7th, 2006: The day I graduated from Mercy Ministries, Nov. 1st, 2008: The day Gran died, Jan. 23rd, 2009: The day I graduated from Massage Therapy School. June 7th, 2010: My first date with Skyler :)

 

 But the day I'm thinking about today is...today...four years ago(well technically it will be yesterday by the time I post this.) September 12th, 2007: The day I moved back to Nashville. The day I felt hope for a new life. The day I felt like I had come home. The first day in a long, hard, crazy, amazing, painful, confusing, exciting, exhausting, but divine journey. I look back over my life and especially these last four years and I am overwhelmed. Overwhelmed by God's grace, His mercy, and His unrelenting, unconditional love for me. He has protected me and brought me out of so much darkness. Four years ago (see picture to the right, my 18th birthday, a month before moving) I was at a place in my life that I literally couldn't even see the sun shining because my mind and my world were so black, so hopeless. All I could see or feel was my pain, my anger, and my self-hatred. I was lost in a cycle of addiction, shame, and guilt. I could hardly stand to look in a mirror. I hated hearing anything even close to a compliment or positive thing about myself. I was convinced that God hated me and that no one would love me if they really knew me. I was on the verge of giving up completely.

 But there has always been a tiny seed of hope deep inside me that refused to give up. Somehow I knew things could be different. I never imagined how big that difference would be. Four years later:

I have hope. Actually I have more than hope. I know without a doubt my life will never be the same, that I will never be the same, and I will never be in that place of darkness again. God has put some of the most amazing people in my life who have loved me unconditionally and never stopped believing in me or pushing me to believe in myself. One of those people is Shalaunda. The woman I came to live with and the most incredible woman I've ever known. She has been my warrior, my mentor, my kicker in the ass when I needed it, my friend, my second mother. I thank God every day for her. Then there is Skyler. My best friend and the man of my dreams. The man I love more than I ever thought possible, who loves me more than I ever dared to hope for. Four years ago I would have laughed if you had told me I would be with this man one day. He knows how to love me exactly how I need it. He is gentle, he is kind, he is stunningly honest and real. He doesn't even see my scars or my past. He loves all of me exactly the way that I am. His love has healed me in deeper ways than I think he will ever know. I could go on for days (really I could!). I look at him and can't even speak sometimes because I know God gave him to me to give me a picture of what His love for me is like. I will never truly comprehend it. I've spent so much of my life trying to be perfect, trying to be good enough, trying to feel like I deserved love. And finally I've come to the place that I know I never will. But I am so at peace in learning how to just accept the fact that I AM LOVED. There is no better feeling in the world. There are so many more people who love me and support me and have surrounded me. I wish there was a way to really express how thankful I am to each and every one of them.

 It is almost three in the morning and I have to stop myself before I write a novel! But I just felt I had to share this because God is SO good!! I look at these pictures and am speechless. Yes, I definitely look different on the outside, but I wish there was a way to describe the difference I feel on the inside! I am still nowhere near perfect and I never will be. I have so much to learn, so far to grow. But I don't ever want to forget where God has brought me from. I want to wake up every day thanking Him that I'm alive, that I am here, that I am loved. And I want other people to know that they are too. I have such a heart for girls that are in that dark place that I was four years ago. My heart breaks for them. I want them to know that there is a light at the end of that tunnel. That freedom is possible. That they can make right choices, they can be happy, they can fall in love, they can really live, that they deserve to be loved! So if you happen across this blog and you've ever felt even an inkling of the darkness I'm talking about I pray that you see in these pictures and through my words that GOD CAN DO MIRACLES!!! And if He can do it for me...believe me, He is just waiting to do it for you too. He died to set us free and to give us life!! I'm so thankful that I am no longer living like a dead person. I CAN SEE THE SUNSHINE!

"He brought them out of darkness and the shadow of death, And broke their chains in pieces."

Psalms 107:14

Time To Wake Up!!

 AWAKE, AWAKE! Clothe yourself in Your strength, O Zion; Clothe yourself in Your beautiful garments, O Jerusalem, the holy city; for the uncircumcised and the unclean will no longer come into you.
Shake Yourself from the dust, Rise Up, O captive Jerusalem! Loose Yourself from the chains around your neck, O captive Daughter of Zion! For thus says the Lord, "You were sold for nothing and you will be redeemed without money. Isaiah 52:1-3 (Bold italics inserted by me)

These three verses have been running through my head like a broken record recently. These words are so empowering and uplifting, and they leave no room for excuses. God is saying...I...YOU... have the power and the strength inside YOU to make a change in YOUR life!

 I've been struggling recently with some hurtful things people have said about me. It seems as soon as I start to let go of my past it gets thrown back in my face. I'm not afraid to be honest about where I've been. I've been told I have a disease I can never be cured from. I've been told I just have to learn to cope with my struggle as best as I can. Many people have the belief or opinion that once you've struggled with an eating disorder or addiction of any kind it is nearly impossible to ever be "normal". There will always be people who will be doubtful that I can ever really be free. But the above verses say the exact opposite, and I would so rather believe what God says than what people say. I'm holding onto the fact that God sees my heart. He sees the desire burning inside of me to be free, to be whole. He also sees my journey from the beginning. He's seen the hurt, trauma, and pain I've been through. He's seen me in my darkest times and in my best times. And STILL He loves me, He believes in me, and He is continuing to heal me. I don't ever want to use my past as an excuse to stay bound in disorder and disfunction. Yes, I've been through alot of painful things...but who hasn't? What's more astounding than the pain, is the healing God has done and is still doing. When people hear my story I want them to hear of the grace and mercy and unconditional love He has had for me. I believe it is possible for Him to change anybody. All it takes is believing that He can. He has given us a strength that most of us never realize is there. Most people are too afraid to dig deep, stand up on their own two feet, trust God, and FREE THEMSELVES. Isaiah doesn't say.. just sit and pray and hope that God will come rescue you. It clearly says that there is action we must take, that we CAN take! We are powerless in and of ourselves, but with God we have the power to overcome anything!

 I am preaching to myself here. There are still times where I let my gaurd down and allow the lies of defeat to overtake me. The person who recently said that people like me can never change was not even someone close to me, but I allowed those words to shake me. Insecurites and doubts overwhelmed me and made me want to curl up into a ball and disapear. But I had to remind myself of what I know is TRUE. The truth of what God says about me. He has done so much for me, brought me so far, and I know He is not done with me yet. No matter how many times I fall, as long as I continue to get back up I will not be defeated. And every time I stand up again I am gaining strength and moving forward. I believe I am free already, I just have to make the choice to walk in that freedom. Which brings me to another one of my favorite verses:

"It was for freedom that Christ set us free; therefore keep standing firm and do not be subject again to a yoke of slavery" Galations 5:1

I love that that verse is in past tense. Meaning we are already free. God paid the price for our freedom over 2,000 years ago when He died for us. So many of us are sitting in chains that have already been undone and we just don't know it! He did His part...now it's up to us if we want to do ours and walk in the freedom He died to give us! Wow. Every time I think about that it blows me away. And it saddens me that so many people don't realize it and even more people refuse to believe it at all.

In conclusion...I'm done listening to what people have to say about me and I'm ready to believe what God knows about me!!!

LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL

Life is beautiful
We love until we die

When you run into my arms,
We steal a perfect moment.
Let the monsters see you smile,
Let them see you smiling.

Do I hold you too tightly?
When will the hurt kick in?

Life is beautiful, but it's complicated.
We barely make it.
We don't need to understand,
There are miracles, miracles.

Yeah, life is beautiful.
Our hearts, they beat and break.

When you run away from harm,
Will you run back into my arms,
Like you did when you were young?
Will you come back to me?

I will hold you tightly
When the hurting kicks in.

Life is beautiful, but it's complicated,
we barely make it.
We don't need to understand,
There are miracles, miracles.

Stand where you are.
We let all these moments pass us by.

It's amazing where I'm standing,
There's a lot that we can give.
This is ours just for a moment.
There's a lot that we can give.

This song has been playing over and over in my head lately. I've loved it since the first time I heard it in the movie "My Sister's Keeper". I think because it says so well what I've come to realize, especially in the past year or so. That life... as hard, confusing, frustrating, painful, terrifying, and exhausting as it can be sometimes...is truly beautiful. Alot, and I mean ALOT has happened in my life over the past three years. Let me rephrase that, alot has happened in my life period. I sometimes feel much older than my 21 years when I look back at my journey so far. But in looking back, the constant thread that I see is God's grace, mercy, and love surrounding me through everything. And that is where the beauty becomes evident. I've had some extremely dark moments and some very high moments. I'm no one special, no one particularly extraordinary, but I think everyone's story is unique in its own way. If I've learned anything in life so far it is to appreciate the beauty of people and their stories and their hearts. I've had the privilege of knowing and crossing paths with some incredible people. Some, it was a one time encounter that touched me to the core and affected me deeply. Some I am honored to call close friends and loved ones. As a massage therapist I have encountered hundreds of people over the last two years. It amazes me how you can sense people's spirit almost the instant you meet them. I've met people who were beautiful on the outside, but their spirit made them completely unattractive. And I've met people whom the world might not necessarily label "beautiful" but their spirit was so sweet, genuine, and loving that they literally glowed from the inside out. People like that melt me. Some of my clients will never know how deeply they affected my day or week just by being sweet or saying something encouraging that they had no idea I really needed to hear. I've done massages and had tears streaming down my face, marveling at how good God is to send such a beautiful person to enter my life at just that moment when I needed it. Those times remind me to be aware of my own spirit and how I come across to others. I don't want to be seen as the pretty face with no heart. I would rather have a beautiful heart and not be Top Model quality on the outside. I feel somewhat hypocritical saying this because I've struggled with body image and not feeling outwardly beautiful my whole life. But I think I can honestly make that statement because I've experienced first hand the price of striving for outer beauty alone and how that slowly snips away at who you really are until you really don't know what's left inside. And though I still struggle with the physical side of things, I'm realizing every day that what really matters is my heart and how I live this life and how I love people.
 I'm not sure where this blog is going to go. Writing has always been a sort of therapy for me and so some of it may just be that. Mostly I want to write about experiences I have and lessons I've learned. I'm not going to advertise this blog anywhere and probably won't invite anybody to read it, at least not in the beginning. But if you happen to run across it I hope something speaks to you in a positive way. I've been struggling recently with the questions, "Why am I here? What is my purpose in life? What am I supposed to be doing right now?" I still don't have definite answers, but one thing I do know, I want to affect other people's lives in a positive way, in any way that I can. I really feel like God has given me a heart to love people and I want to share that and not be afraid of the hurt that can come from it. I want to see people through His eyes and not through the tainted, judgemental eyes of this world.
 So to try to sum up the scatterbrained paragraphs above...this is about life. This crazy beautiful life that we all live...just my page of it in particular. :)