It looks like I've decided to make this a bi annual blog. I don't mean to and I hope to change that. But I also don't want to write just to write. Usually I write when something hits me so hard I can't let it go until I get it all out in words. This is another one of those times. I have half a house to unpack from moving, but it can wait until I finish this because I need to write it and hopefully someone that needs to read it today does. If it is just for me that is ok too. :)
Someone recently had the courage to share with me that they are afraid of not looking sick enough for people to know that they are. That statement has been rolling through my brain ever since. For some of you it will make you shake your head in confusion. But it struck a chord in my heart because I realized I have that same fear. And I'd be willing to bet that anyone who has struggled with an addiction has had that same fear, wether they've realized it or not. So I started asking myself why? Why do we have the need to be visibly seen as sick and hurting? And I think that fear is actually a cover up of the real fear. The real fear behind that is we are afraid of not being seen at all. We are afraid of being forgotten. Because maybe we didn't know we even mattered until we got sick. All of a sudden people saw us and it felt like the first time. All of a sudden they began asking how we were doing because they knew it wasn't good, not just asking because that's what you're supposed to do. All of a sudden they were worried and told us they were praying and asked how they could help. All of a sudden they asked what was wrong and what was really going on. All of a sudden it seemed like they really cared. Before then maybe we were lost in the crowd. Just another number.
For me..I'm number 6 in a line of 11 siblings. That number felt like the extent of my identity. I was number 6 of the Miller kids, number 4 of the Miller girls, or Allen & Barbara's daughter. Those are the three things I felt known by. My thoughts, my feelings, the things I was passionate about, I kept to myself. It didn't feel like they mattered or that they would be heard. I even started to forget them myself after a while. Numbers don't have voices so I stopped using mine....I really never learned to use it in the first place. And then I got sick. I lost 30 pounds and I started cutting, and all of a sudden someone noticed me...not just number 6. My sickness became my voice.
Anyone with an addiction begins to have there identity wrapped up in that addiction. We never learned to use our voice to ask for what we needed so we asked with our bodies wasting away, and the circles under our eyes. and the bright scars on our arms and legs. Those became our cries for help, for love, for security. Our sickness became our smoke signals and our emergency flares. And the fear of what would happen if we stopped sending those will keep you sick for a long time.
Let me be clear...we didn't start this in an effort to receive attention. Many times it starts as an effort to just disappear, to fade away into nothing because we don't know how to control the chaos inside. But then we finally feel visible for the first time in our lives. We realized our need, and became terrified of losing it. We became a person, we were seen, we mattered...even if it was just because we were sick. Or that is where we began to believe that lie...that we only matter when we are sick. That if we ever "got better" people would go away. If people can't see that we are sick and hurting, they will think we are fine. They'll stop asking and then we might die alone.
Because even if we are "healthy" and "better" we will still need love and attention and security. We will still need to know that we exist to someone else and they would notice if we were gone. Life will always be hard, addiction or not. It is often brutal and exhausting and frustrating. We will still get lonely and sad, and the chaos inside still comes back sometimes. Just because we may have learned to cope with it in healthier ways doesn't mean we don't need people anymore. Just because we gained the weight or stopped the drugs and alcohol, or the cuts on our arms have faded to scars doesn't mean we are always fine.
That is why we have to find our REAL voice. And we have to stop being ashamed of our need. We were created to need...and so was everyone else on the planet. Everyone needs someone, but we've been taught to "be strong" and "toughen up". "Figure it out for yourself." "Put your big girl panties on." "Pull yourself up by your boot straps"
How much healthier would we be if instead we began to ask for help? If we didn't feel too ashamed to say "I'm really not ok today" or "I could really use a hug today" or "things actually kind of suck right now". And maybe, just maybe, if we do that we will realize that the people around us are not always fine either. Maybe if we start to use our real voice it will give them the courage to use theirs too. Addiction is not the only superhero cape people wear. The people around you that seem to "have it all together"(what IS that by the way?!) and have never struggled with addiction...I will bet you my last penny they are not always "fine". We all know what that stands for right? Yup...F$&#ed up, Insecure, Neurotic, and Emotional. So why can't we SAY that if that is what we really feel? Being real with someone gives them the open door to be real with you, and when that happens it is one of the most healing experiences you can have. Because then you realize that not only do you have a voice, you have ears and a heart that someone else needs to know are open and listening and caring.
Glennon Doyle Melton (if you haven't heard of her or read her blog do yourself a favor and look her up...she's absolutely amazing) describes addiction as a superhero cape that we use to hide our real selves and what is really going on. I believe it is both...a superhero cape and a smoke signal. And I believe we have to let go of both before we can truly be healthy. We have to realize we don't need to be a superhero and we have an actual voice we can use to say, "I need help, I'm not fine"
I know without a doubt the only thing that has ever helped me break a cycle of struggle or start making healthy choices is when I actually TALKED to someone and told them what was really going on. Addiction and struggle thrive on silence. The more silent you are the more power they have. Your secrets will destroy you. Call me morbid but that super hero cape will become your shroud if you never take it off.
I could go on and on and on. I am preaching to the choir here and I have a lot to learn so this sermon could go on forever. But I'll try to save that for my next blog post in six months. :)
The last thing I want to say to anyone who is struggling, and identifies at all with the fear of not being sick is this. YOU MATTER NO MATTER WHAT. You are not an accident and you were not created to be silent and unseen. You didn't suddenly become important because you got sick and people saw and finally told you they didn't want you to die. I'm so sorry if it felt that way and if you weren't shown value for who you were. You have a voice and you CAN use it and the right people will listen. It's OK to not be ok all the time and it's also ok to be ok...you won't disappear. But YOU have to know that you matter even if no one else tells you. You are here for a reason. So put down your superhero cape and your smoke signals and use your REAL voice. <3
