Hindsight is 20/20

 I didn't struggle to write this blog. The words seemed to pour out of me. And if you look at the 5 other posts on this blog there are two others on the same subject matter. So this may seem somewhat repetitious, but in my experience there have been truths I needed to hear dozens of times before they really sank in. 

 I do, however, struggle with sharing this post. I'm terrified actually. Partly because I am once again exposing a very raw and ugly side of my life that I very much like to keep hidden. I prefer the "got my ducks in a row" look. But as I've said before and as I consistently discover from day to day- I'm not perfect. Not even close. But I don't know anyone besides Jesus that can legitimately claim that status.

 I also struggle with sharing this because a part of me wonders, "What's the point?" The people I so desperately want it to reach may simply get angry and shut it out and the other half of people will probably dismiss it in confusion or judgement. And how many people will it actually reach anyway? I have no pretense of being an eloquent or even decent writer, and I often struggle to get my point across. But like I said, these words poured out of me because they've been pounding in my brain for so long. When I look around and see so many girls and women in the middle of or on the verge of this struggle I want to scream this warning in their face. 24 million people(including men and children) in the United States alone are currently struggling with this disorder. 3 out of 7 of my sisters alone! I can't even describe how that rips my heart apart. So excuse me while I take a moment to be real, as politely as possible. And please know it is only because I care and it kills me to see you struggle. If this reaches even one person who needed to hear it for whatever reason, it is worth it. And I will continue to write and talk about this for the rest of my life because I refuse to let my 12 years of struggle go to waste.

 Exactly 10 years ago today I walked into a treatment center for the first time. I had just turned 15 and had been diagnosed and struggling with depression, anorexia, and self-harm for nearly two years. I was sick, exhausted, extremely underweight, and absolutely hated myself. But I met women there that had been struggling for so much longer and part of me felt ashamed that I was getting help so soon. I told myself I really hadn't gotten "that bad" yet. That was the beginning of a very long and painful journey for me. I spiralled up and down the roller coaster of Anorexia, Bulimia and the other issues for many years after that. To this day, I have to wake up and fight. So if I could write a letter to my 15 yr old self and any other person who may be at the beginning of this fight- this is what I would say:

GET HELP NOW

You will lose so much more than weight

You lose yourself - if you start at 12 or 13 (or earlier) which is common, you will lose those formative years of figuring out who you are and who you want to be because you are so focused on the ED. I still struggle with the questions, "Who are you?" and "What are your hobbies or what do you like to do?" because I never took the time to figure that out. I was in treatment when I should have been filling out applications for college and picking a major and discovering my passions in life. At 25, I'm just barely beginning to do that. 

You lose your friends- When you leave for treatment it takes a very special friend to stay in touch with you throughout that time. And if you are struggling and not getting help, you don't make a very good friend to anyone. When you begin to get healthy it can still be a struggle to connect because you never learned how. I have to force myself to connect with people and try to maintain friendships because I am insecure and uncomfortable in that area.

You lose real relationships with family- even when you are there, you aren't really there and when you leave for treatment the younger ones will feel abandoned and it takes lots of work to rebuild those relationships. I have a very large family which makes it hard enough to stay connected, but I feel like I have to work twice as hard because I lost so much time with them.

You lose your mind- you can't think straight, or really about anything but food and weight. You become very robotic and restricted in everything that you do because you are so focused on only one thing.

You lose your memory- you can't remember how you got home some days, much less what you did the day before or are supposed to do tomorrow. That doesn't just repair itself either. I feel like I am much more forgetful and absentminded than I should be.

You lose your emotions except for anger, self-hatred, confusion, sadness, and deep dark depression- you are on autopilot and most of the time just numb inside.

You lose the ability to laugh- you won't see the sun even when it's shining. Life is not amusing or joyful anymore. It is a dark, grey place. You can fake a pretty good laugh, but true moments of joy are very few and far between.

You lose the ability to cry- your body and mind won't even have the energy to cry. Again, you go numb.

You lose the ability to sleep- your body won't let you rest because it is not being fed. Or you will be too cold to sleep. You will be cold ALL the time. Your body cannot warm itself up and it cannot rest. Until you get to the point of falling asleep all the time because you are past the point of exhaustion.

You lose your compassion- your focus on food and weight doesn't let you see beyond yourself and the hamster wheel of obsession you are spinning on.

You lose your gratitude-the ED tells you that you're a victim and you begin to look at the world as if it owes you something. You see everything that's hard and that you don't have, but you lose sight of what you have to be thankful for.

You lose your integrity- you will do things you never thought you could possibly do to enable and continue in the ED. Including but not limited to lying, stealing, sneaking out, breaking the law, and betraying trust.

You lose your honesty- you will lie to anyone and everyone to protect the ED and hide ED behaviors. 

You lose your dignity- you will go to extremes to hide food or the fact that you're not eating. If you struggle with Bulimia it's a whole other hell of uncontrolled bingeing and purging.

You lose your dreams- you no longer have dreams besides the ones about food and being "skinny enough"

You lose your ability to think about anything besides food, the number on the scale and the number in the back of your jeans

You lose the joy of any holiday- most holidays involve food and therefore they become the most feared and hated days of the year. When the family is enjoying time together you are obsessing about mealtime and how to get away with not eating or getting rid of the food if you have to eat. 

You lose your vision- you can't see anything but food and the scale. Physically your eyesight will literally get worse because you are malnourished.

You lose your hair- it can come out in handfuls at times

You lose your teeth- they will break, get yellow and be full of cavities. I am currently missing a molar that literally broke in half.

You lose the strength in your bones- they will break easier, and won't hold you up as well. Go long enough and you will develop premature osteoporosis. I broke my ankle this summer just in regular exercising, and the doctor said it was an unusual stress fracture for someone my age. I didn't tell him the probable cause was years of abusing my body.


You might lose your ability to have children.


Here's what you gain...

An ever increasing mountain of self-hatred and depression that grows with every pound you lose.

A completely distorted body image- no matter how much weight you lose you will still see "fat" and honestly believe that you need to keep losing. My goal at 15 was to get into a pair of double zero jeans. They were hanging off of me when I went into treatment and I still thought I was fat.

The ability to lie like a pro. You will lie until you don't even know what the truth is anymore.

You will deal with a body that you've aged beyond it's years, even after you get healthy.

You will have health problems ranging from heart palpitations,dehydration, vitamin deficiency, major digestive issues, acid reflux, broken bones,dental issues, organ failure, etc. And eventually...you will die.

Your body will begin to shut down.

You are not invincible.
  
Eating disorders have the highest mortality rate of any mental disorder.

The ED will NEVER be satisfied and will not give up until it kills you. You will never get to a place where you can "cope" with it. If you are not actively seeking help and healing, you are dying. Physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually it will tear you down until there is nothing left.

I say all this to hopefully open your eyes, or maybe get your attention just a little bit. I know you've probably gotten a lot of this list from a doctor or therapist already, but take it from someone who has been there (let me change that to "went there" because I refuse to stay any longer) for 10 years. IT IS NOT WORTH IT. Unless you are determined to take the slow road of suicide then this is a sure way to get there. But if you have even the slightest whisper of a voice inside you that says, "I want to live". LISTEN to that voice and GET HELP! If you still eat somewhat normally but are thinking about dieting because you think you need to lose weight...be VERY careful. It is so easy for this to turn into an obsession in the image focused culture we live in. This is a warning to every girl and woman out there because precious few of you really have a healthy body image. We have to get to a place where we view food as what it was intended for- fuel for our bodies and the lives we should be out there living. And it's time we view our bodies as the gift and miracle they are, whatever shape or size they may be in at the moment. There is nothing wrong with being healthy and exercising... I try to do it every day. But do it to take care of yourself- not to punish yourself. I'm still fighting to get to that point. But the key is, I'm fighting.

One last note to those stuck in the middle of this horrible disorder. This goes so much deeper than food or the fear of it. This goes hand in hand with depression and self-hatred. It is often a result of some kind of abuse, neglect or trauma. You may think your life is worthless and not worth fighting for. But guess what. If you were not supposed to be here - you wouldn't be. And yet here you are, inhabiting a very specific place on this earth and I will not believe for a second there is not a reason for your existence. And it is most definitely NOT to live your sliver of time here on earth in misery, depression and obsession over something as MEANINGLESS as the size of your waist or your butt. YOUR LIFE IS TOO SHORT AND TOO VALUABLE!!! You will blink and ten years have passed just like that! Will you spend those ten years as miserably as I did or will you please hear me and DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT! One day, one meal, one minute, one choice at a time. YOU are the only one who can make a difference for yourself. All the counseling  treatment and psychotherapy in the world will not help you if you refuse to fight for yourself. There is healing and freedom readily available to you. The lies you are believing about God, yourself, and food will destroy you. The lie that being skinny will make you happy and solve your problems....how's that working out for you? Guess what, it never will. Please get help. You cannot do this alone. 

Walking in freedom from an eating disorder is not even close to easy. 

But it is possible. 

And it is SO worth it.

Please trust me- maybe I went through 10 years of hell to save you from it.