This is the part I hate to write, but if I've learned anything in the past decade it is that secrets are the diesel fuel to shame, and shame is the destroyer of life. Many people know a little about my past- I went to treatment for the first time at age 14 for anorexia, bulimia, self-harm and depression. At age 15 I came to Nashville for my second treatment center which I was at for 15 months. When I graduated I did well for a couple of months, but quickly fell back into my struggles. When I moved back to Nashville at 18 I began to work hard at making better choices and finding freedom. The eight years I've been back in Nashville have been full of ups and downs, but many people thought I was recovered and healthy. I graduated from Massage Therapy school, got married, and seemed happy. However, I was hiding the fact that I had many times of falling back into my struggle with bulimia. If you look back a few blog posts you will see that I've written about my struggle before, in times where I was making better choices and doing well. I'm not discounting those times, but I believe they didn't last because I was not being authentic in my every day life. I continued to hold on to little pieces of the eating disorders(body image issues, slight restriction, overexercising, etc) Every time change or stress hit, those behaviors intensified and I easily slipped back into my old coping mechanisms of control and disordered eating. The most recent being a very bad couple of months at the beginning of last year. But at the end of that downward spiral I decided I had had enough. I finally surrendered it all and truly let go of bulimia, anorexia and control. I didn't care what it would take, I knew I had to be done with those things forever or I would not survive. It was the scariest and best decision I have ever made. In making that surrender and letting go of the lies I was believing and the facade I was living behind, I gained more than I ever thought possible. Slowly but surely my health, my strength and my mind are being restored. I feel like all the truth that was poured in to me over the years has finally been able to sink in and take root. I am not perfect and never will be, but I truly believe I am free from the bondage of eating disorders and self-hatred and that is something I often doubted I would ever be able to say.
Back to running...overcoming those issues is a daily process, but when I realized how far I had come I decided I was ready to challenge myself by signing up for the half marathon. I've always enjoyed a challenge, I love sports, and I felt ready to take this on in a healthy way. Running taught me once again that I was stronger than my mind told me I was, and it honestly helped me with my body image more than I realized because I began to be thankful for a body that could still run and function after everything I had put it through. I stopped looking in the mirror so much, got away from the scale, and began to be thankful just to be alive. I realized throughout the training that I was still holding myself back out of fear and self-doubt, but the more I let those things go the stronger and faster I became. This applies to so many other areas in my life as well, and running helped me break through the barriers I set for myself.
I've been thinking a lot about the drastic differences in my life on this day since I made that surrender. On social media(especially in the fitness world) people often post Transformation Tuesday pictures. Well I don't have a before picture, but this year has certainly been a transformation and I thought I would write out a little comparison...
April 30th, 2015
I was driving part time for Uber and remember taking runners to get their race bibs thinking, "They are crazy, but I wish I were healthy enough to run like that."
I could not go a day without caving to bulimia, often multiple times a day.
I was barely keeping down any food in a day.
I could barely run a mile without feeling like I was dying, but I pushed myself to exercise anyway.
I was weak and unhealthy.
I was hanging on by a thread.
I was miserable, angry, depressed, and hated myself.
I felt like a failure as a person, a wife, a sister and friend..
I had fallen into the cycle of my addictions again and I didn't know how to get out.
April 30th, 2016
I just ran my first half marathon and I felt amazing!!(Actually everything hurts from the waist down, but besides that I feel great! 😉)
I eat on average 5 times a day and I haven't thrown up or restricted in 10 months. (I want to point out that I was eating healthy and only doing strength training for several months before starting to run in order to let my body heal. If you are in a similar place of disordered eating please don't jump into exercise or running too quickly. Make sure your body and mind are in a healthy place.)
I run because I love it, not because I feel like I have to.
I feel stronger and healthier than I have ever been.
My mind is free from the obsession over my weight, body image issues and the constant fear of food.
I view food as fuel instead of the enemy.
Instead of obsessing over the size of my jeans I wake up thankful for a body that is strong and capable of more than I could have ever thought.(13.1 miles in 1:50 without stopping?! Sorry, I'm still overwhelmed by this.)
I wake up thankful to be alive.
Life is not perfect but I no longer feel the need to turn to food or bulimia or self-harm when I am overwhelmed and stressed.
I can finally say that I am learning to love who God made me to be, and to embrace my flaws and imperfections as I strive to be a better person each day.
I am learning to walk in God's grace and mercy rather than living in condemnation He never put on me.
I am learning to live in authenticity and I fully believe it has made me a better wife, sister, daughter and friend than when I was just trying to put on the appearance of perfection.
I've realized that life is a lot like running...for every brutal hill there is to climb, there is a downhill to fly on. For every mountain top there is a valley. There will be hard runs and hard days, and there will be runs that feel like you are flying and days that are full of joy and peace. There will be so many things we can't control. There are runs and there are days where you have to dig really deep, and you discover a place inside you that has more strength than you ever imagined you could have. Fear will always try to hold you back. Fear of change, fear of discomfort, and fear of failure just to name a few. But the only way to get beyond those fears is to keep running and push past them.
And through it all there is grace. More grace than we can fathom or wrap our minds around. Every time we fall is a chance to get back up. Every day is a chance to get stronger, to do better, to make that next right choice. Every set back can be a learning experience, every weakness a place of growth. Every fear can be overcome with His strength. One day you will look back to a year ago and not even recognize the person that you were.
Today I am grateful. Beyond grateful. My heart is overwhelmed by His love and for where I am in my life. 12 years ago I believed I was broken beyond repair. 1 year ago I was unsure if true healing and freedom would ever be mine. Today....I have no doubt that it is mine. It was mine all along...I just had to realize and start walking in it. He paid the price so we could be FREE. He did all the work! In running terms it's like someone else doing the four months of training, and you get to waltz across that finish line and claim the medal.
I've discovered an amazing life...the one I already had....was just waiting on me to wake up and live it. Sometimes we need to just look UP! Look away from the mirror and the scale and the craziness, and look around at the beautiful life all around us. Then get out there and LIVE IT!! RUN YOUR RACE. Don't try to run someone else's or fake your way through yours. Whatever your race looks like, whatever pace you can run...do the best you can do. It may have nothing to do with actual running. But you have a journey that is uniquely yours, and only you can make the choice to live it. One step at a time, one moment at a time. Don't let it pass you by, you will miss so many beautiful moments, and so many people will miss out on the chance to know the real you. You may not be able to see it right now, but He is making beautiful things out of your life. This song has been on repeat in my head for weeks. Listen to the words and believe them because they are true!
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